Are YOU a Utah driver?

Quick - take this test to find out!

Many people from states other than Utah arrive here and are appalled by the relentless stupidity of the local drivers. While most of these drivers are native to Utah, many have been "grafted in" and have been here so long that they have become like the natives. This is unfortunate, and I hope to prevent it from occuring again. Thus the reason for this page. Take the test below and answer each question honestly based upon your actual driving practices. Then consult the score table at the bottom to diagnose your level of UDD - Utah Driver Disorder.

I haven't learned how to do forms yet, so you'll have to keep track of your score. It won't be difficult to do; just note how many As, Bs, and Cs you accumulate. On to the questions:

1. You are preparing to get onto an interstate. You have just turned onto the freeway's on-ramp. How do you negotiate this automotive task?
A. Accelerate briskly down the on-ramp, matching the speed of the traffic flow.
B. Signal for the merge and begin looking over your shoulder for a place to safely join the traffic.
C. Maintain a speed of 35mph for the duration of the on-ramp, not accelerating until you have finally entered the highway and have completely impeded the flow of traffic.
2. You are sedately travelling down an interstate highway. There are two lanes; you are in the right-hand lane. Traffic is heavy and most people are travelling faster than you. You are gradually approaching a car in your lane which is travelling slightly slower than yourself. What are you most likely to do?
A. Check your mirrors and look over your shoulder in preparation for a safe passing manuever.
B. Signal your intention to change lanes, alerting the traffic behind you.
C. Pull alongside the slower car, then slow to his speed and continue down the highway in a makeshift roadblock which prevents the other vehicles from legally passing either of you.
3. You are in town at a red stop light. You are first in line in your lane. The light turns green. What is your probable response?
A. Accelerate away from the stop.
B. Check both ways to ensure that it is safe to proceed.
C. Remain stopped, oblivious to the green light until the car behind you honks.
4. You are in town on a four-lane street (two lanes each way plus a center left-turn lane). Traffic is light; there is a car approaching from behind in the other lane. Before it can pass you, a light in front of you turns red. What do you do?
A. Gently and smoothly come to a stop.
B. Watch the cross-traffic in preparation of safely resuming travel when your light turns green.
C. Quickly change lanes and then stop for the light, impeding the car which was travelling faster than you.
5. You are travelling the same street as in question #4. Traffic is heavy. You are sitting at a stoplight; you are the first car in the leftmost straight lane. You suddenly realize that this is the street where you wanted to turn right. What will most likely happen?
A. You'll accelerate briskly on the green, change lanes, and then turn right at the next opportunity.
B. You'll mentally re-evaluate your route and find an alternate way to reach your destination.
C. You will wait until the green, stay in your current position, signal for a right turn and wait until all cars behind you pass you on the right. Then you'll turn right from the left lane. If traffic is extremely heavy, you may have to wait until your light turns red again to perform this manuever.
6. You are travelling on an interstate. You are in the left lane. Up ahead an ambulance and some cop cars are on the other side of the highway's shoulder due to a minor accident. While their direction of travel is backing up quite a bit, your side of the highway is completely unaffected by the accident. What will you do?
A. Continue driving down the highway as before.
B. Increase your alertness so as to prevent another accident from occuring.
C. Immediately slow to 35mph or less and shift your attention to the other side of the highway. Completely ignore all other vehicles moving in your direction.
7. You are in town on a four-lane street. Traffic is heavy. As you come to a stop the car behind you doesn't quite stop in time and just barely hits you. You get out and survey the damage: your car is unscathed, he cracked a headlight lens. No one is injured, both cars still run perfectly, and traffic is backing up rapidly. What will you probably do?
A. Shrug it off, get back in your car, and resume your travel.
B. Move your cars to the shoulder and call the cops.
C. Leave your cars in the middle of the road, causing traffic to backup as much as possible. Stand in the road and do nothing until the police arrive.
8. You are in town and traffic is moderate. It is winter and the roads are slick. Traffic ahead of you is stopping; you apply the brakes and begin skidding toward the car in front of you. What are you most likely to do?
A. Release the brakes and gently reapply them. Continue pumping them if needed.
B. Ease up on the brakes until they unlock and then gently steer your car around the stopped car.
C. Push the brake pedal the rest of the way to the floor and slide right into the car in front of you.
9. You are in town on a six-lane road (three each way plus a center turn lane). Traffic is moderate to heavy. Construction is underway and your direction of travel will be reduced to one lane (the right-most lane) in half a mile. The DOT has erected many signs warning you of this in advance. You will probably do which of the following?
A. Immediately merge into the right lane in preparation of the bottleneck.
B. Choose an alternate route and turn accordingly, avoiding the congestion.
C. Move into the leftmost lane and stay there until you actually reach the roadblock, then come to a full stop with your right turn signal on, forcing the smarter motorists in the righthand lane to also come to a complete stop so that bozos like you can merge.
10. You are in town on the same six-lane road as in question #9. You are in the center lane. Traffic in your lane and the right lane is moving at the same pace; everyone in these lanes is comfortable with this speed. Cars in the left lane are going notably faster, however, passing all of you. Ahead, a stoplight begins to turn red. Your natural response is to:
A. Come to a safe stop.
B. Remain alert and attentive in preparation of resuming travel.
C. Quickly move into the left lane. When the light turns green match your speed with traffic in the other two lanes, impeding all faster-moving vehicles from overtaking any of you.

Scoring

Give yourself 0 points for each A, 0 for each B and 5 for each C.

0 points - you are a smart driver, obviously not native to Utah.

5-10 pts - you're usually okay, but Utah is beginning to influence you.

15-20 pts - you're exposure to Utah driving may have caused irreversible damage.

25-45 pts - there is no hope for you. You are doomed to a life of dumb auto manuevers.

50 pts - you were obviously born in Utah.

This page was last modified on March 6th, 1997.